Recounting the loss
Losing a spouse is hard. Losing most things is unfortunate. But if the stories of the 70 widows I met recently are anything to go by, losing a husband in Africa is a double tragedy.
For the most part, traditional gender roles in Africa still consider the man as the provider, the protector and the foundation of the home. He pays the bride price and claims his bride- she is the ultimate prize. In ancient civilizations, he went out hunting, brought back game and his wife cooked the delicious meal and looked after the kids.
In a world where gender roles are blurring for all sorts of assorted reasons, my encounter with 70 widows in the sea side town of Limbe in the South West Region of Cameroon recently, proved that some things never change-losing a husband in Africa is a double tragedy.
The 70 widows I met, assembled to share their sad tales during a Widow’s Outreach organized by Acha’s Foundation Inc. which took place recently at the Government Teachers’ Training College at Mile 4, Limbe in Cameroon.
The goal of the outreach was clearly defined: to provide comfort, support and a sense of community to widows. For many of these women, a downward spiral into depression fueled by the flames of loneliness was commonplace, following their husbands’ deaths.
This was further exacerbated by some obnoxious traditional practices that many widows have had to endure following their partners’ deaths, which makes dealing with grief extremely challenging.
Before handing out the care packages and cash gifts prepared for the widows, Acha’s Foundation Inc. provided an opportunity for the widows to share some of the challenges they faced following the passing of their husbands, as well as their most pressing current needs.
It was then that the tears began to flow. For Oteh Mirabel, the 21st of December 2021 is forever etched in her memory like a recurring nightmare because her husband wasn’t sick prior to his death on that fateful day.
Nervous Breakdown
Mrs. Oteh Mirabel said her husband’s death was difficult to process because it was all too sudden. She noted that her husband worked in the seaside town of Kribi as a security guard, prior to his death. Mirabel recounted that she had spoken with her husband on phone earlier on that day at 5am and again at 11 am.
That is why when she received a call notifying her of his death at 1pm on the 21st of December 2021, barely 2 hours after her last chat with her husband, it was simply unthinkable.
“I had a nervous breakdown upon receiving the news of his death. My neck immediately became stiff and I was unable to turn around normally for two whole weeks,”
Mirabel recounted tearfully.
“The shock of my husband’s death made my menstrual flow last the 2 whole weeks he was in the mortuary!” she added.
But that was just the start of the turmoil that Oteh Mirabel was to endure. She said before her husband’s death, they had laid the foundation of the house that was to eventually become their home. Upon his death, the money he left behind was meant to be used to raise the walls of the house to enable her and her children live in it.
Yet, after his death her in laws rather tried taking the money away from her, despite the fact that she was legally married to her husband with a marriage certificate to prove it. She noted that this conflict with her in laws caused her untold pain. Fortunately, the in-laws eventually had a change of heart and eventually raised the walls of the house where she now lives with her three children.
Despite having a roof over her head, Oteh Mirabel’s greatest challenge remains paying the tuition for her children. She is a petit trader who sells fish to fend for her family, but is unable to pay her children’s fees on time, given the huge financial burden involved in feeding and clothing them.
She said if she had more capital to expand her business, the burden on her would be lighter.
Mrs. Oteh Mirabel appreciated the gesture by Acha’s Foundation Inc, to provide care packages to the widows and prayed that the gesture would happen more often and extend to many others as well.
My husband was shot dead
30-year-old Enow Chanceline is a young widow whose husband died as a casualty in the ongoing Anglophone Crisis which has plagued the NorthWest and Southwest regions of Cameroon since 2016.
Human Rights Watch’s World Report 2023 noted that as at January 2023, over 6000 civilians had lost their lives in the ongoing anglophone crisis also known in Cameroon as the Ambazonia War. Several others (as many as over 180,000 people) had been displaced because of the war by August 2018, according to the Wayback Machine.
22nd May 2018 was the exact date when Enow Chanceline’s husband became part of those statistics, as he was shot dead in Mamfe, a town in the South West Region of Cameroon. Chanceline watched her world go up in smoke. In her own words, “It wasn’t easy as I thought about killing myself. I looked at the children he left me as a burden and was filled with regret for ever having them.”
Chanceline said upon her husband’s death, she went to Douala to live with her brother but got into problems with her sister-in-law and was asked out of the house. She returned to Mamfe and worked for a year to save up money to enable her return to the economic capital of Cameroon-Douala.
Douala is the hub of the economic hustle and bustle in Cameroon, and everyone with dreams of making a buck in petit trade usually has their sights set on making it in Douala.
Chanceline eventually returned to Douala with 200 thousand francs CFA ( a little over 300 US dollars) and squatted with a friend of hers while learning the craft of hairdressing. Learning this skill at the time was crucial as she needed a source of livelihood to support her children.
In the meantime, she worked as a nanny, to support her kids and eventually stopped learning hairdressing after 17months because her kids had been out of school for a whole year at that time.
She eventually returned to Limbe and rented a room whose porch she uses to braid hair to support her kids. Chanceline said paying house rents and the children’s tuition constitute the greatest burdens she currently faces.
He left me with 6 children
For Mama Beatrice Mbaku, a widow who told me that she might be about 45 years old (although it is likely that she is much older, she looks 60!) her husband’s death was especially painful because he left her with 6 children to take care of. Her husband was a farmer and she has continued tilling the soil since his death. Yet, her multiple health challenges constitute some of her greatest worries.
“You know that if you are unwell, you cannot go into the bush to work” Mama Mbaku remarked. She said it is not long since she recovered from a bout of tuberculosis. To make matters worse, the children are many and she doesn’t even own a home. Mama Beatrice Mbaku said that if she had a house, the quality of life led by her children would be much better.
She said the children also regularly fall sick, which makes things especially difficult for her. She also remarked that responsibilities associated with her late husband’s family also take a heavy toll on her. Mama Beatrice Mbaku hails from Batibo and said that upon her husband’s death, tradition demanded a huge pig as part of the funeral rites which she had to provide.
She heartily thanked Acha’s Foundation Inc. for the assistance they provided. She also noted that just the opportunity the widows had to share their pain was a huge relief, as they are often treated as invisible in the community.
Missing walks in the park
As the Widow’s Outreach continued, many other widows continued sharing their stories of loss, and a woman who must have been in her 70’s provided comic relief to the other widows present when she noted that she misses the romantic gestures her husband always made when he was alive.
She cited slow walks in the park and his regularly taking her out to dance, as some of the things that she misses the most about her husband. While her story was sad, the other widows chuckled at the woman’s story, probably because it was unexpected to see a 70 something year old lady talking about missing romance.
The women have learnt to live with their losses, but all agreed that their lives would be much better if outreaches like that provided by Acha’s Foundation Inc, came up more often.
They received care packages and cash gifts from Acha’s Foundation, plus a helpline they were advised to call if they needed someone to talk to.
Acha’s Foundation Inc. The Origin Story
Acha’s Foundation Inc. is the brainchild of Ms. Delphine Acha, daughter to the late Mr. Acha Abel. Ms. Delphine Acha is currently based in the USA, but decided with the help of her family to begin the Foundation in memory of her late dad.
Speaking on behalf of his sister at the Widows’ Outreach, Mr. Simon Acha, brother to Ms. Delphine Acha noted that Acha’s Foundation doesn’t only aid widows, but also carries out Outreaches to prisoners wrongfully incarcerated and provides aid to orphans.
He said Acha’s Foundation Inc. has also provided scholarships in the past to some students in the field of medicine, and intends to continue providing other scholarships in the future. He noted that the organization tries to help everyone who finds themselves in a situation they have no control over. Mr. Simon Acha recounted that losing their father Mr. Abel Acha while they were very young, has made them empathize with people in difficult situations.
Not the end of the world
During the Widows’ Outreach, Mme Gertrude Acha, the widow of Mr. Abel Acha in whose name the Foundation was created, tearfully recounted the fond memories she had with her husband while he was alive.
“Even though we were married, we became much more than a couple. We became like a brother and sister. We were that close” she said.
She noted that since her husband passed away, even when she laughs, there is always a “but” which punctuates the laughter, casting a dark shadow over the moments of joy. That “but”, she observed, “will never go away”. She noted that his demise was sadder because he passed before he was able to enjoy the fruits of the labour he invested in his kids.
Mme Gertrude Acha thanked her late husband for the strength he continually provides her to raise her children well, without which she would not have raised her kids to the level at which they are.
“I am proud of him day in and day out, even though I don’t physically see him” Mme Gertrude Acha remarked.
Yet, she noted that the pain of loss is always a present reality she grapples with every day. She noted that her children provide and satisfy her in every way, and yet the gaping void left by her husband is one which she will always face.
Mme Gertrude Acha encouraged the widows present at the outreach that that losing a husband is not the end of the world. She said life goes on, albeit with challenges. She thanked all the widows who showed up at the event, and wished that they all live together in peace and the joy that they can muster in the face of adversity.
The Widows’ Outreach ended with Acha’s Foundation handing over care packages and cash gifts to the widows, as well as lunch, before they dispersed to their various destinations within the town of Limbe.